okay so my other tumblr which I just gave into using has been completely sought out by cows at school, as well as people who I actually know and like and respect and wouldn’t want seeing this… so I’m posting it here.
I have a friend who frustrates me to death. She is actually my best friend. The thing that kills me about this girl is that she is gorgeous. Stunningly beautiful on the inside and out… But she genuinely refuses to believe it… she always states with such certainty that she’s the ‘black sheep’ of her family, and that she’s not pretty… when she is the most stunningly gorgeous person I know.
This shouldn’t annoy me so much… but… when I’m out with her… I’m always overlooked. She says that she’s not pretty, but everywhere she goes, someone new tells her she’s beautiful, gives her a number, hits on her… and yeah, I just sit there and agree with them when they say ‘isn’t she gorgeous?’ and watch her flirt with a new gorgeous guy I could never dream of having… this sounds so bitter… but in terms of always being the friend of the pretty girl… enough is enough… she always says she’s jealous of my boobs, when my boobs aren’t getting me anyone. Never have. I want to know what it would be like to be out with her and meet a male who focuses on me rather than her. You just get such a feeling of being undesired… unloved… I don’t even know. I love this girl with all my heart, and being with her makes me happy… but being seen beside her makes me hate myself. It makes me just feel fat and ugly and boring and horrible..
I have weight problems, skin problems, and am socially unstable in uncontrolled social situations… like.. I can’t look people in the eye… I’m not charming or funny… she is all these things… and beautiful. And it shits me that she doesn’t see how lucky she is to have that. Everytime she tells me how shit she feels, I feel I have to be a good friend and tell her ‘no you’re beautiful’, but inside I want to cry. I want to yell out ‘If you’re ugly then what the fuck does that make me?’ I want to hit her. But at the same time… I want to tell her as much as I can that she’s something special… because it would mean the world to me if she saw the beauty everyone else sees in her.
It makes me want to stop eating… it makes me want to change who I am. It makes me hate myself. It makes me depressed…